


Richie Tozier’s Netflix Special

by ojangel



Series: the gays are getting a platform (it’s about time!) [1]
Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Bisexual Richie Tozier, Comedian Richie Tozier, Established Relationship, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, M/M, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:15:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21755890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ojangel/pseuds/ojangel
Summary: The lights are bright in Richie Tozier’s face as he walks on stage. He wears a simple black suit, with a green tie.This is it.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: the gays are getting a platform (it’s about time!) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1568068
Comments: 7
Kudos: 139





	Richie Tozier’s Netflix Special

_Transcript_ _by_ Adrian Mellon

*

The lights are bright in Richie Tozier’s face as he walks on stage. He wears a simple black suit, with a green tie. This is it.

**Richie** : Hell-o, Chicago! It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? Two years, if I remember correctly. Wow, two years! For all you guys know, I could’ve had like... a kid, or two. I haven’t, but I could’ve! [he takes a drink of water] Oh man, I’ve missed this. All of your flat faces staring up at me as I make a complete fool of myself. [laughter] I did not expect that to get me an actual laugh. Huh.

He adjusts his tie.

**Richie** : Anyway, so I haven’t been on stage in twenty-four months. I know that’s like, normal for all of you, but for me it’s the rarest thing. I used to never get holidays, so it was definitely surreal to suddenly not have any work. I sort of feel like like I’m losing my stand-up virginity all over again! And, you know, if we’re using that metaphor, my last few tours have been some sloppy one-night-stands! [laughter] Yeah! I can admit it! They weren’t good! I don’t wanna like, blame anyone, but they weren’t even my jokes, either. Seriously, this group of guys saw some of my old work that I’d put on Youtube, saw my stage presence—whatever the fuck that is— and decided that’s what they needed. But also not at all. I mean, come on! I will never understand the point of ghostwriting.

Luckily, they dropped me after I disappeared off the planet two years back. So I guess it wasn’t even a holiday, but rather a forced break on my end. It’s been a blessing in disguise, cause I’ve finally got the chance to write my own material again. And I don’t wanna get all sentimental or anything, you guys came for a laugh, but I think the stuff that’s coming is gonna be some of my best work yet. Although, it’s not like the bar is set very high. Not anymore, at least!

He takes another sip of water, and it turns into a large gulp. His hands are shaking when he puts the glass back down.

**Richie** : Did any of you know I started out on cruise ships? Yup, that’s right. Me, disgusting example of a man, went on these expensive boats and got to tell crude jokes to a bunch of posh bastards. I’m only kidding, they weren’t all bad. I met one of my best friends on there, Beverly Marsh. Some of you might’ve heard of her? She would do all the costuming for the proper shows on ship, but had taken a liking to me. One of the first things she said to me, actually, was how hard her and her now, ex-boyfriend laughed at the story of how I lost my virginity. So, me and this girl had been making out, getting a little naked, I won’t go into details. But we’re finally starting, when suddenly there’s this loud banging at the back of the car. Yes, a car. Romantic, right?

Well, I pull up my pants to investigate, and I just see these two fucking raccoons or some shit going at it as well. This completely ruins the mood for me, and I go back to tell her but the girl just laughs! She’s all like, [in a higher voice] ‘You’re so sexy you’ve even made the animals horny’. [back to normal voice] Seriously, who the fuck says that? Don’t get me wrong, I can be a kinky bastard, and my name is trashmouth for a reason... But this chick was getting all randy cause of some raccoons! So I grabbed my shirt and ran for it.

Laughter fills the place as Richie finishes. He grins into the microphone and continues.

**Richie** : Back to Beverly, we kept in contact after I quit my job on the ships, and we’re still best friends. She’s actually here, tonight. Everyone say hi, Bev! [for some reason, the crowd complies. Richie laughs] She’s with all the rest of my friends. Yup, all five of them.

There’s Bill, who I met in middle school. He always had the shittiest ideas to go investigating known haunted sites, and now he writes horror books. Next is Stan, who is the worst guy I know. No offence, Staniel, you’re my best bud, but you are also the worst. He wears fuckin’ vests to parties, and does bird puzzles before bed. On the other side of the spectrum is Mike, who will just about do anything as long as it’s not illegal. He’s the least lame out of all of us. Then there’s Ben, who is so hot and kind it makes you want to kill yourself for not being better in every single aspect. Finally, there is Eddie [said in such a tone that can only be described as lovesick] Eddie has been the love of my life since birth, alright? He’ll deny it, of course, but it’s true in the way he calls me a dickhead every time we wake up in the same bed.

There’s an annoyed groan from the audience. Richie gets an excited look about him.

**Richie** : That was him who made that sound! It’s what some poets would call our love language [a pause. He looks into the audience and sees something] Thank you, baby. He just flipped me off, in case you were wondering.

Me and Eddie have been dating for two years now, although we’ve known each other much longer. We were complete opposites in school— I was the kinda guy to put my hand up for every little thing, while he’d stay silent in the back of the classroom all lesson. I actually thought he was mute, but then I saw him talking to Bill one day and I was just like. What the fuck? Bill’s my friend! So I marched up to him, and I point at his fanny-pack— Yes, he had a fanny-pack. We were twelve— So I point to his fanny-pack, and I go, [he changes back to the ‘girl’ voice from earlier] _Why don’t you go and make friends with all those drugs in your purse?_ [loud laughter] I’m not kidding! But that’s not even the best part, the drugs... They weren’t medication or anything, they were vitamins. His mom had Eddie going around, at only twelve-years of age, with a bag of vitamins on his fucking hips.

Which meant, of course, I fell in love with him immediately. So cue a couple years of internalised homophobia and some painful pining, and we have me, at twenty-eight-years-old having a public breakdown at my own show. I’d just gotten a call that Eddie had been a bit of an accident, not anything serious, but I freaked. I couldn’t breathe, my hands were shaking. But my shitty manager, the one who made me use jokes that weren’t mine, still made me go on. After that show, I finally told Eddie about my undying love for him and we fucked off to Australia for a few months. And that’s where I’ve been. I’m now thirty, happily in love, and the closest to happiness I’ve ever been. Not to mention, I am having the _best_ sex.

There are a few whistles from the audience. Richie winks.

**Richie** : When I first came out, just a little while ago, there was mostly positive feedback. But then there also the odd homophobe or two, whose most creative insult was to call me a cocksucker. And I’m always just like, yeah, that’s sort of an entry-level requirement to being gay, my friend.

He gets another good laugh.

**Richie** : I’m not gay, though. I wanna make that clear! I am bisexual! I probably should’ve come to terms with it a lot quicker, cause I’m the most indecisive person you’ll ever meet. Me and Eddie will go to the shops and try choosing vanilla or chocolate ice-cream, and I have to close my eyes and let him pick. You can hardly blame me, though. They’re both so good. Some people tell Eddie that I’ll cheat on him cause I’m bi, which is sort of funny. If anyone is gonna cheat, it’s him. Cause, like, look at me. I dress and act like a baby.

I’m not really the one to get super offended at those kinds of things, though. I’ll go home and cry after, obviously, but Eddie’s the one to really get angry and actually offended. Once, this gay guy we met told me that I didn’t have to say I was bisexual, I could just say I was a top. Eddie was this close [he shows his fingers touching, the audience laughs] to punching the poor dude. I think he was more angry at the insinuation that he only ever bottomed than the biphobia, though.

When I first started watching porn, specifically gay porn, I just assumed there were certain roles in a gay relationship. Like, yes, one man was more feminine and always was the one to get fucked, while the other was... well, the man. I hate myself for it now, but when Eddie first asked to top I was like a kid learning that fish could breathe underwater. They can do that? _I_ can do that? [laughter] It was great, though. Me and Eddie, we are very sexual. [a pause] Um, I’m looking at Eddie right now andstarting to get the idea that he didn’t like that joke much. Can we get a light on him? [miraculously, Eddie does get singled out by one of the lights. He’s scowling] I didn’t think they’d actually do it! This is great! Hi, baby! Oh, man, he’s definitely making me sleep on the couch, tonight.

**Richie** : Not really. Eddie is not that kind of guy. He’ll kick me out of the bedroom with a pillow and blanket, but then come back out ten minutes later and be all, ‘It’s bad for your back, babe, come back to bed’. [He shakes his head, incredulous] I love him.

An awe comes from the audience. Richie blushes under the stage lights.

**Richie** : Personally, I don’t have the guts to try sending Eddie to the couch. Or anyone, for that matter. One, because I’m as horny as a teenager, and two because I’ll get lonely. I’m a slut for affection.

Richie takes another sip from his water. He’s just about finished the glass.

**Richie** : Also, as a disclaimer, I’d like to ask for no one to call Eddie a twink after this show. As, um, he is not a twink. According to him, that is. I think he is, but that’s just me. Plus, I’m not one hundred percent sure what being a twink would actually entail. I know it’s like, a hairless gay guy who likes getting dicked down, but who invented that? Is there a name for every type of person in the LGBT community? Don’t answer that, cause I already know there is. But I do have a question that I want answered, who the fuck made the word ‘twink’ up? It’s a pretty ugly word, and I kind of assumed it’s a combination of two words but that might be wrong. I get the whole ‘bear’ thing for a hairy guy, but twink? Are they full of cream or something, like a twinkie? Again, do not answer that.

There’s laughter, but it only comes from one particular group in the audience. Richie notices.

**Richie** : It’s become a lot easier to weasel out the gays when I tell a joke, cause straight people... They don’t understand, and they don’t really need to. I’ll be with all my friends and say, like, ‘that’s biphobic’ at something that is definitely not biphobic, and Eddie will be the only one to laugh. The others, bless their hearts, are always like, ‘Wait, what? I didn’t mean to’. Maybe I’m a horrible person, but that has always made me laugh more than the actual joke.

He pushes his glasses up his nose.

**Richie** : Anyone here afraid of clowns? I sure as fuck am. I had this nightmare once, it was really horrible, and there was this creepy as shit clown making fun of me being bi. It was fucking singing at me, and I’m quoting here— ‘I know your secret, you’re dirty little secret’ [he sings this]. I had this dream after I came out, and I told Eddie about it and he calmed me down and stuff, and it made me realise, like. Everyone fucking knows. That was the whole point of me telling people, so it didn’t feel so dirty and terrible anymore. I still shit my pants if I see a clown, but at the same time I’m always thinking, You are me. I am a clown. We are the same. You suck.

Talking about clowns, there used to be this guy who dressed up as one and murdered kids in my hometown. They’re called Derry Unsolved Murders now, but they’re pretty fucking solved to anyone who actually grew up there. Everyone knew it was the clown, even the stupid adults who never seemed to know anything. But then it reached a point where it became genuinely serious, and suddenly the police were always around and asking questions. The murders stopped, and they didn’t figure it out. Well, I’m telling everyone now, it was the clown! It - was - the - clown! [in the front row, where all his friends sit, there is a loud whoop]

Some of the lights dim. Richie slumps a little.

**Richie** : This has been phenomenal, Chicago, but it seems our time has come to an end. I think if you’re gonna go with any sort of message, it’s that Richie Tozier is the hugest asshole in the entire universe. I’m only kidding. I’m actually the best. Thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> this sucked but whatever lol


End file.
